Several weeks ago someone, I think it was a young pastor, asked me what is the most frustrating aspect of pastoral ministry. I had to think for a second, not because I couldn’t think of anything, but because he didn’t ask for ten things, only one. And the number one frustration rose to the top pretty quickly -
UNSPOKEN EXPECTATIONS!
(Yes, I am screaming it)
Unspoken expectations are different from the things that folks tell me they would like me to do, and I can then say, “Oh, sorry, I never thought of that. I’ll do it next time,” or “Thanks for your opinion, but I don’t think I can do that.” Unspoken expectations are different because they are ... well, unspoken. They are those things that someone wants me to do because they think a pastor should do them, and maybe even a former pastor has done them, but I am not doing them. And it bothers them, usually because they think it is obvious that a pastor should do them.
One example - likely the one that has already occurred to every one of the many (okay, three) pastors who are reading this - is home visitation. Now, for some folks in my congregation, the very idea that I might stop by their house, unannounced and uninvited, is the stuff of 3:00am nightmares, or at least a “Why are you here?” question. Yet there are a few folks, typically of an older generation, who not only see no problem with such a visit, but believe it to be what good pastors do. Even though I have told them, “If you would like me to come by, then just invite me,” this does not solve the problem. Because if they invite me, then in their mind it is not a pastoral visit. They want me to come, not because I am invited, but because that’s what they think good pastors do.
(For more information on the deep psychological reasons for why I don’t like home visitation, see my previous blogpost “Socially Awkward.”)
And because I am not doing what they believe a good pastor should do, or that any pastor would see to be self-evident to do, they are left with only one of two conclusions about me:
1. Either I am a really bad pastor who doesn’t have a clue (definitely a possibility), OR
2. I really don’t like them (not true at all).
I'm sure there are other unspoken expectations, some of which I only surmise - not because I have been told them - but because, like black holes in the abyss of space, we only know of them because of their effect on other aspects of church life. Like gravity, unspoken expectations bring down everything around them.
It should not come as a surprise that unspoken expectations are a problem in ministry. After all, they are a problem in many relationships. When I see a couple for marital counseling, inevitably unspoken expectations become a topic for conversation. While the stereotype is that it is women who don’t tell husbands what they want - “If you don’t know what I want for Valentine’s Day, then I’m certainly not going to tell you” - men are often guilty as well.
The truth is, I’m just as guilty. I will stand there, on Sunday morning, hoping that someone will tell me that the sermon blessed them, or challenged them, or made them think - even made them angry. Usually, I get nothing, nada, zip. No one says a word.
Now, you may ask, “Mike, have you told folks that you need this kind of feedback? Do they know that it blesses you when they say something about how the sermon blessed them?”
Come on - of course not. After all, if I have to tell them, then it’s not as good. They should just know.
the funny thing is, behind all those person unspoken expectations, i think there lies common ground in the basic desire. we all want to be wanted.
ReplyDeleteSo true - and I hope we can all realize that life is so much better in community when we can say what we need.
ReplyDeleteWe fully understand exactly what you are writing about. Mike, I think Christians fall very short in encouraging one another...loving each other... in general...we live on our own little islands...we have forsaken truly caring about one another and what really matters to each other. Loving and caring ARE expectations as followers of Christ. We should not have to ask. If Christ's love permeates our whole being, loving and caring and investing comes very easily.
ReplyDeleteof course, Kris always blesses me with her positive comments
ReplyDeleteHi Mike,
ReplyDeleteI've been blessed to establish a "pecking order" for visitation in general, including home visits.
1. People in the hospital -- our local hospital equals a daily visit, and the regional medical center (usually at least 100 miles one-way) at least 1-2 times per week, depending on the seriousness of the illness/injury and the level of pastoral care needed.
2. People who are shut-ins (nursing home and homebound). Frequency of visits is also usually determined by the level of their pastoral care needs.
3. People who have missed church for at least 3 consecutive weeks or more, without good reason. I send a card, then a letter, then a phone call, and finally a visit, as appropriate.
4. People who have special pastoral care needs -- again the frequency of visits is determined by the level of their need.
5. People who invite me to come by and visit with them at their home.
I had the blessing to serve as a hospice chaplain for over seven years, where we had to document our visitation schedule with our frequency of visits planned (just like every other discipline).
The above formula applied when I served full-time in pastoral ministry. Since becoming bi-vocational, my visits are limited to hospital, nursing home, homebound, and special needs visits. One thing about a small church -- less people means less visits to make.
I, too find it increasing difficult when people put expectations on you as a pastor, especially when "Pastor So and So" did it some other ways that I don't do.
Great blog and comments.
JDM
allow me to add my 2 cents in terms of youth ministry 'unspoken' expectations...
ReplyDeleteGood Youth Ministers...
1. have lock-ins
2. organize spaghetti dinners
3. get the youth to move stuff
4. get the youth to sit together during service
5. allow their home to be open at all times
It is a goal of mine to speak up more. I find that when I do, people actually hear me and respond. What a radical thing.
ReplyDeleteSunday, every word you spoke rang true for me and encouraged me, and spoke right to my heart, but did I tell you that? Nope. I was so grateful that at the end of the sermon, you said that the explanations were available in writing if we wanted. I thought that would be a great thing to have, but did I ask for them? Nope.
I even spoke about the sermon with friends who also thought it was wonderful and so easy to understand when you explain them. Did I share that with you? You guessed it. Nope.
It's so much easier to talk about the weather. But I will try to do better. Good blog, by the way...
Thanks, Donna. I needed that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll send the paraphrase of the Beatitudes to you via email.
Great post Mike.
ReplyDeleteNow there are 4 pastors who have read this blog entry. I didn't even know you blogged.
There was once a certain great youth ministry prof of mine who told me that (in ministry), if I received an unsigned letter to ignore it because the writer didn't really want to engage me in the first place.
I consider unspoken expectations the same way. If folks with unmet expectations don't speak up I can't help.
I know...I'm one of those terrible pastors who doesn't have a clue. JH