Filters

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and, after listening to what they had to say, wanted to call a time-out? This happens to me all the time. I want to stop in the middle of the conversation and say,
“Let me ask you a question: Did you consider the repercussions of that statement before you said it? Because if you did, I don’t think you would have said it.”

I don’t usually do that, but I want to. Often. It seems that some folks do not have filters between whatever thought pops into their head and what comes out of their mouth.

Before I go on, in case you don’t know me well enough to already know this, I am an introvert. A true introvert in the Jungian sense. I am not shy, I just prefer fewer social interactions. Most of what really goes on in my life, who I really am, happens inside my head. And because of this, quite a bit of energy is devoted to deciding how much of who I am is revealed to the outside world.

Another way of looking at this is in terms of filters. Think of a filter, say one of those paper coffee filters. Now, where is your filter between what you think and what you say? For an introvert, the filter is well inside their head. The filter decides how much of what they think actually comes out. For me, my filter is fairly strong. I am constantly doing a “cost-benefit analysis” of my thoughts and feelings, deciding if something I think should be said. My filter does not let much out. This has repercussions for my life, and some are not healthy.

Now, for some of my extrovert friends (not all, but some), it seems as if their filter, if they have one at all, is about 3 feet outside their mouth. They think something, then they say it, and then they deal with the consequences. While they may ask me - “Mike, tell us what you are thinking,” I am asking them, “Did you think about what you just said before you said it?”

We all know people who seem to have no filters. And for everyone of us, there are times when our filters are not working. For some people, especially teens, they spend so much energy controlling themselves at school and in other areas of their life that their filters stop working around family members. All of their frustration of the day, controlled by their filters while at school, comes out toward their parents and siblings. It’s as if the filter takes a time out - or is overwhelmed.

I’m thinking about this today because there are times when I wonder if we as a society have lost our collective verbal impulse control. It seems as if many of us have stopped thinking about the consequences of what we say. It’s as if the filters have been turned off.

Of course, one of the most obvious examples is Facebook.

Have you ever wanted to private message someone, after reading their Facebook update, and ask, “Would you stand in front of 400 people and say what you just wrote? I don’t think you would, because you are smarter than that. Before you would stand in front of all those people: friends, family members, coworkers, neighbors, high school buddies you have not seen in 20 years, and your employer, I think that you might take the time to edit what you would say. You would think about how it would be received, and you would think about the consequences for you, for them, and for your relationship. You would think about what they will say to you after hearing your comment. I know you, you are smart enough that you would not say what you just wrote if all of those people were right in front of you. Well, when you posted that comment, it is as if you are standing in front of all of those people. And you know what - calling it a “rant” is not an excuse.”

All of the above is prelude.

This idea of a lack of filters, a lack of verbal impulse control, a lack of maturity when it comes to communication, and a willingness to say whatever pops into our head that will get noticed, with a lack of concern that words actually have consequences, is most obvious in our national political debate.

Folks are screaming at one another, saying the most outlandish things, demonizing those with whom they disagree, and using the language and imagery of war, death, and destruction in order to make their point. Pundits and commentators are popular, not for the insight and perspective they offer, but for their ability to excite/incite the masses and “rally the troops.” We are called to “reload” and “take no prisoners” to achieve our goals in this “culture war” for the hearts and minds of our country, as we are led to believe that the end justifies the means and that those on the other side are out to “destroy our way of life.” Compromise and listening to the other side are simply not options.

But then, there are those people who are not mentally competent enough to understand that it is all just metaphor and imagery, and that we really don’t mean that our enemies should be “taken out.” Some folks are not capable of processing this language in a nuanced way, and these words serve as the last drop in the bucket of their tormented lives. Of course, no one expected any one to take our “call to action” literally. But someone did, and someone always does. Since there is seldom an easy way to draw a straight line from someone’s words to another person’s actions, particularly the actions of a mentally sick person, then no one is to blame, no matter how toxic the environment those words create.

Of course, all these pundits are saying these things under the protection of the First Amendment, and are making a pretty good living keeping the fires burning. You have to wonder, if folks started actually talking to each other, would these pundits have a job?

Now that I think about it, maybe this isn’t about impulse control at all. Maybe these folks have filters that work just fine, when they want them to work. Maybe they’ve just turned them off.